jMcJohnson

On Sunday, Ryan and I finally got it together and went to see Slumdog Millionaire. I know I am beyond late to the party, but wow. It really blew my mind. I loved it in a way I have not loved a movie in a long time. Needless to say, we had fun.

After the movie, we started walking next door to Barnes and Noble. As we approached the store, a tall black guy looking like a normal dude wearing a stocking hat and a big nice-ish looking puffy coat called out to Ryan (I mention that he is black because it is important later.) He reached his arm out to shake hands with Ryan, making me think that they possibly knew each other? Or something? But no. The conversation goes something like this:

Dude: Hey man, I hate to bother you and your wife as you are trying to go into the bookstore…
Ryan: That’s ok, what’s up?
Dude: Well, see, my car ran out of gas over there at Fazoli’s and I really need to get some gas and a gas can. I will pay you back tomorrow, I will give you my license, my phone number, whatever you need, I just have to get some gas and I have no money on me.
(Ryan gets out his wallet and gives the guy a ten dollar bill).
Ryan: Don’t worry about it, here you go.
_______________________
So far, all is cool. I mean, is the guy telling the truth? Who knows. Who cares. He needed some money, Ryan gave him some. If the dude is lying, it’s on his conscience, right? Right. Let’s watch what happens next.
_______________________
Dude: (as he takes the money) Man, I just need twenty dollars, I have to get gas and a gas can, if you can just give me ten more dollars I’ll be set…
_______________________
Here is the part where we hesitate. Twenty dollars? Am I filling up your tank or do you just need to get home? So, Ryan hesitates. (Did I mention this guy’s also holding a cell phone? He is. Are none of his friends or family members home to pick him up? Bring him gas?) Ryan hesitates. We already gave him ten bucks. This is where the fun starts.
_______________________

Dude: Aww, man come on! I’m stuck out here! My car won’t start! All I need is ten more dollars! Come on!
Ryan: Umm…I already gave you ten dollars…
Dude: Come on man, not all black people are bad man, come on!
_______________________
Wow. Really? Not all black people are bad? Do you think the reason we don’t want to give you MORE money than we already have is because we think you’re BAD?! The reason, you dumbass, is because we ALREADY GAVE YOU TEN BUCKS. Do YOU think all white people have money? Unlimited money to give out to people of ANY COLOR who have the nuts to walk up to you, ask you for money, accept the money they give you and then tell them that IT’S NOT ENOUGH MONEY and then; FUCKING THEN accuse them of not giving you more money because they’re RACISTS?!?!? Are you fucking KIDDING me dude?!

I was ready to kick this guy in the balls; but because my husband is a far better person than I (he really is) he let the guy exchange the ten for a twenty. Then, and this is the best part; the dude takes the twenty and guess what he does?

He gets misty on us. Dude starts to tear up. (Pretend to tear up? Tear up for real? Only he knows.)

Personally, I think he teared up because he had never seen his “white guilt” tactic kick in so quickly before.

(Just for the record; Ryan just wanted to help this guy. He did not feel “guilty” for anything. Money means nothing to him and he is truly one of the most generous people I know. This is my imagining of the dude’s thoughts, not an analysis of Ryan’s motivations.)

F that dude. Seriously. I can handle that he wanted more money, that he may have been telling the truth, that he may have been lying, whatever. But for him to accuse us of not giving him more money because we are racist? Like I said; F that dude.

I am curious; have any of you all been in a position like this before? What did you do? Am I being too sensitive?

Oh man. InStyle magazine’s website has a really cool celebrity hairstyle generator thing that I just couldn’t resist this weekend. At first, I tried only styles that I actually liked, but then I thought, what the hell, and tried some that were more…uhh…let’s say interesting.

Remember when Kiera Knightly had this haircut? Neither do I. All I know, is that Ryan made me promise never to cut my hair like this. Done and done.

Me with Gwen Stefani hair. I know what you’re thinking, and yes; I DO look stunning as a platinum blonde.

If I ever get a really important job then I may get this Katie Holmes hairdo. To me it looks like bitch hair, right?

This is amazing. I look like I should be at a coffee shop reading poetry that I wrote about my lady parts. This is Naomi Campbell’s hair, by the way.

Me as Ellen Degeneres. Lookin’ totally lesbionic.

Posh Spice’s short ‘do. Another one Ryan made me swear never to get. Too bad I already had it in 1998.

Finally, some political hair:

Hillary Clinton, again showcasing how awesome I look as a blonde.

Sweet Sarah Palin hair. The frightening thing is that I actually think this looks halfway normal on me.

In conclusion, I did not find any new hairstyles on this site, but I did find multiple ways to make myself look like an ass. Thanks InStyle!

I keep seeing this really cute Kenmore commercial where a kid has this favorite hat that he loves so much he never takes it off, so in order to wash it (in her fancy KENMORE WASHING MACHINE) his mom has to sneak it off his head in the middle of the night. Totally adorable.

The commercial also has a very sweet, catchy song. I looked it up and discovered that it’s a song called “Imaginary Girl” by a band called The Silver Seas.

	The Silver Seas - Imaginary Girl
	Found at skreemr.com

I listened to parts of the rest of the album and holy cow! They’re great! They’re from Nashville, and have a new album coming out soon. For now, grab their first album “High Society” on iTunes. You won’t be disappointed. Probably.

I lived! My scope was scope-alicious and I am home eating some soup and a giant cookie.

Still slightly drugged out, so I am getting ready to nap.

Thank you all for the well wishes and butt jokes. I heart you all.

Ugh. How can four years go by so fast?

Yes kids, it’s colonoscopy time again. While the test itself is not that bad (you are sedated) the prep is just killer. You have to have a squeaky clean colon which means:
1. No food AT ALL the day before the test (HUNGER+CHICKEN BROTH+APPLE JUICE=GRUMPYTOWN)
2. You will spend 1-4 hours on the toilet the night before to achieve said cleanliness.

Last time I had to drink an 8oz. glass of Fleet mixed with lemonade; the nastiest, saltiest most disgusting crap I had ever tasted. This resulted in major gagging and ultimately extreme poopage and general malaise. Unfortunately (fortunately?) the stuff I took last time is apparently making peoples’ kidneys fail (oops) so now it’s a new prep called Halflytely.

As in a HALF GALLON of a similar salty liquid the consistency of snot to be consumed over the course of an hour. Is that even legal? Or remotely logical?

Honestly, I have no idea how I will do this without puking. To top it all off (because I am clearly Albert Einstein’s cousin) I ate an enormous meal tonight prepared by Joe’s mom, who is in town this week. And she’s no stranger to cooking with mass quantities of butter. And I couldn’t/had no desire to say no. It was amazing. And tomorrow, it will make a special, liquid guest appearance.

God, I am dumb.

I love that there is a sketch of a toilet and WAIT FOR A BOWEL MOVEMENT in all caps, which is completely laughable. I have had bowel movements. What actually happens is more like WAIT FOR ANAL TERRORISM TO BEGIN; or possibly, WAIT FOR TOTAL BUTTHOLE ANNIHILATION.

That’s more like it.

Just to top it all off, the old prep was about $12, so you can imagine my surprise at Walgreens when the clerk handed me this:

Can you believe that?! It’s like handing someone $60 and saying, “Hey, why don’t you just pee in my mouth and then punch me in the ass for three hours?” Unbelievable.

So, tomorrow is no food/poo poo day. Friday is the test. Oh, and to top it all off, this was slipped under our door this morning by our landlord:

I’m sure the doctors would LOVE me to come in Friday morning un-showered after crapping myself all day Thursday. Perfect timing, landlord!

One of our adorable houseguests…

Emily asked us to post what we love. While it goes without saying that I love my family and friends, my other true love is really, really good food. I am always on the lookout for a new favorite. So, without further ado, here goes!

What I Love
(very special all food edition)
1. Steak Tacos; Taqueria Asadero, Chicago
My lord. You have never had food until you have consumed these tacos. Perfectly cooked strips of buttery steak tucked into two fluffy warm corn tortillas, covered in lettuce, tomatoes, fresh salsa, sour cream and a pile of white cheese. Add homemade crispy, hot tortilla chips and a pile of freshly made guacamole and you will drift away to heaven…on a river of Mexican Coke. I dream about this meal at least once a week.
Best. Meal. Ever.

2. Macaroni and Cheese; McCoy’s, Kansas City
When your order of mac and cheese comes out, you will look at it and think, “gee, this is a little small.” Then you will taste how rich, cheesy and carbo-licious it is and realize you can’t even finish the bowl. By far, the best restaurant mac and cheese I have ever had. Big shells with warm creamy cheese sauce tucked inside and topped with a scoop of sharp whipped cheddar and just the right amount of crisp bread crumbs. The gold standard.

3. 1/4 lb. Hamburger; Jack’s, Ft. Lauderdale
This burger is the best because it has flavor. It tastes like beef should taste-none of that greasy, wimpy, charred ground beef you get when you order a burger in most restaurants. Just juicy, meaty goodness in every bite. Add fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and a ton of mustard and ketchup (plus a pile of pickles) and you have a winner. Plus they have pellet ice (my favorite) and possibly the world’s best iced tea.

4. Flatbread Pizza/Feta Cheese In General; My House, Kansas City
I have been sick of the pizza places near my house not giving me the option of feta cheese on my pizza…so I made my own and it is both tasty and delicious. Crisp a flatbread in the oven and add pizza sauce, turkey pepperoni, a scoop of feta (don’t be shy), fire roasted diced tomatoes, and a pile of Italian cheese blend. Bake until bubbly. There is basically no food that feta cheese cannot improve upon. Just sprinkle it on and watch the magic happen.

5. Fage 0% Greek Yogurt Drizzled With Honey; My House, Kansas City
I think about eating this every night before I fall asleep; happy that it’s almost tomorrow and then I get to eat it again. Let me first say, I hate yogurt. I have never liked it’s icky sweetness and general fake taste. Then I discovered Fage. It’s sour tasting, but in an amazing way. It is super thick and when you whip it up a little and cover it with a little honey you will be transported to paradise. It’s healthy and tastes fantabulous. It grows on you; when I first had it, I thought it was just OK, but then I kept having it and discovered that I couldn’t live without it. Yum.

6. Garlic Rolls; Ill Mulino, Ft. Lauderdale
These look innocent on the plate, but trust me they pack a stinky punch. These are basically homemade dinner rolls covered with olive oil and chopped raw garlic. They burn going down and they burn coming back up later because you will be burping them up for at least 12 hours. You will also stink to high heaven (don’t bother brushing your teeth, it won’t help.) Don’t these sound foul? They are amazing. I look forward to eating here every time I am in Ft. Lauderdale.

7. Dark Chocolate Dreams Peanut Butter/Smuckers Natural PB with Honey; My House, KC
I have eaten a whole jar of chocolate pb in about 3 weeks. It is like smearing melted Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup on whatever you choose to spread it on. My new love is putting it on graham crackers, followed closely by eating it straight from the jar. It’s all natural so I kid myself into thinking it’s healthy, but truly, I’m sure it is trying to kill me. Also, a close second is the Smuckers with honey; again good on grahams and crisp apples.
I currently have like, five jars of this stuff at my house, please save me from myself.

8. Chicken Dinner; Jim’s Chicken, Salina
Best chicken everything: crispy fried chicken, giant chicken fried steak, warm, creamy chicken and noodles; the list goes on and on. This place is great because although pretty much everything is home made, they also have the best instant mashed potatoes ever (seriously, I love them). Super nice people, and pretty good prices. I am also a fan of their green beans. They too, have pellet ice and darn fine iced tea.

9. Kashi Cereals; My House, KC
They are all amazing, all healthy, and all make me poop. I have several varieties at my house at all times for breakfast/snacking. Also, they hold up in milk, which I appreciate.

That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my faves…thank god for food

…tell me how you REALLY feel.

Ryan and I have a million little games we play, but one of my favorites is the Oldies Game (I just named it, before now we just did it and it had no name.)

It goes like this. One of us starts to sing a line from a song and then shouts at the other person from wherever they are in the house to “sing it!” and then they finish the song. This is an awesome game because it is fun to try to stump the other person. Since Ryan and I both grew up listening to the oldies channel via our parents, we often use obscure oldies songs. Here’s one we did the other day; I forgot what a good song it is. Have you heard this one?

World Without Love
Please lock me away
And don’t allow the day
Here inside where I hide
With my loneliness

I don’t care what they say
I won’t stay in a world without love

Birds sing out of tune
And rain clouds hide the moon
I’m OK, here I’ll stay
With my loneliness

I don’t care what they say
I won’t stay in a world without love

So I wait and in a while
I will see my true love’s smile
She may come, I know not when
When she does I lose
So baby until then

Lock me away
And don’t allow the day
Here inside where I hide
With my loneliness

I don’t care what they say
I won’t stay in a world without love

Also, in looking for those lyrics, I discovered that it was performed by Bobby Rydell but written by Lennon and McCartney. So there you go.

What made-up games do you play with other people?