jMcJohnson

It was just one of those days, you know?

Whenever Ryan and I disagree over a fact (daily) one of us announces it’s time to “go to the tape” which basically means get on the internet and find out the unequivocal truth.

Today I made (what I thought was) a quite convincing argument for a hummingbird being an insect.

We went to the tape. I was wrong.

This works great for all kinds of things like song lyrics/titles (this argument is pretty much daily), what actor/actress was in a certain movie and random animal facts just to name a few.

Going to the Tape has made me aware of some of my more unpopular opinions, such as:

1. All Along the Watchtower is the most overrated song ever.

2. Re-runs of Home Improvement are funny. (chuckle funny, not guffaw funny.)

3. Night Showering is superior to Morning Showering

(and many, many more)

Try out Going to the Tape with your friends/partners. It works great when one or both of you has a burning need to be right all the time.

Ryan is musical directing Pippin for a high school in Florida that he worked at when we lived there. They heart him so much that they not only paid him to MD the show, they also paid for his trip down there (twice) and gave him a great place to stay (nice work, Pope John Paul II High School parents). The awesome family he stayed with not only gave him use of their sweet luxury car while he was there, they also gave him a little gift when he left. That gift was a (rather large) gift card to Morton’s Steakhouse here in KC.

I had never heard of Morton’s, and when I looked it up online, I discovered why. It is expensive. Like $10 baked potato expensive. Needless to say, we were giddy with the thought of juicy (free) steaks. We made the pilgrimage to Morton’s tonight, as a sort of belated Valentine’s Day celebration.

I’m not ashamed to tell you that after the meal, I unbuttoned my pants in the car.

It was easily the fanciest restaurant I have ever eaten at (think huge oak doors, dim lights and Frank Sinatra playing softly.) I was a little nervous when we got there, because whenever I go somewhere remotely fancy, I get freaked out that I won’t know some rich people protocol, and the matre’d will slap me with a starched napkin when I use the wrong fork. That didn’t happen. The visual menu was cool; the waiter brought out this cart with basically everything they serve (including what we believe was a LIVE lobster) and talked about the entire menu. Ryan got the Chicago style ribeye, green beans and a ($10) baked potato. I went with the slightly smaller ribeye and garlic mashed potatoes. We both got the chopped salad and ordered the upside down apple pie for dessert.

The salad was freaking amazing. Chopped lettuce, avocado, hearts of palm, artichoke, red onion, egg, blue cheese, bacon (ohhh, the bacon!) tossed in a Dijon mustard vinagrette. I could have bathed myself in the salad and the eaten whatever didn’t stick. Next we got our steaks. Freaking. Huge. They were cooked to a perfect medium, crisp and seared on the outside, juicy and tender on the inside. By far the best steak I’ve ever had. It makes the little trim pieces of chewy sirloin I normally eat when we grill look totally pathetic. Even the fat was good. I am a habitual fat trimmer when it comes to meat, but tonight I ATE THE CRISPY FAT. And I really liked it. The green beans were great, the mashed potatoes were marvelous and Ryan’s baked potato came with butter, sour cream and (surprise!) more bacon.

Our arteries were begging for mercy. And yet, we persevered.

On to the apple pie. At this point we were uncomfortably full but (like the true Americans we are) we ate IT ALL. It was luscious. We came in just under our gift card value, so we left the waiter a nice tip (the tip amount was a little more than what we usually spend when we go out to eat together) and waddled to the car.

I recommend this place highly if you have dangerously low cholesterol, a wad of money you don’t know what to do with, and a pair of elastic waist pants you can wear on the car ride home.

So here’s the news: lately I’ve been psychic. Tonight, for example, we pulled up to the Wendy’s drive thru and I was all hyped about ordering my baked potato and chili. Just as Ryan began to place the order, I had the distinct thought “I bet they’re out of pototoes.” Sure enough, when Ryan gets done ordering my chili and the 15 orders of nuggets (for him), I hear the words “Oh sorry, no more baked potatoes for thirty minutes.”

Damn!

My negative ESP has struck again! (Just like last week when I thought to myself “I bet my sewing classs will be canceled.” And it was!)

This means I must harness my mental brainpower for good and not evil. It’s just too dangerous any other way.

I can only imagine the cold, wintry night, fifty-some years ago when Howard Hagen entered this world. Little did he know he would grow up to help to marry a hot nurse, create three genetically superior children and drive a pretty boss rig for the majority of his life.

The best part about Howard is when he tells my husband he ought to “slap me around a little more.” (he’s kidding, although in truth, I probably should be slapped around a little more.)

Happy B-Day Howard. Even though you are a Republican, you are still one of the most fun adults I know.

From the Associated Press this morning:

Haggard now “completely heterosexual”

“One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to “sexual immorality.”

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master’s degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn’t decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

“This is a good place for Ted,” Ware said. “It’s hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It’s like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.”

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.”

It’s pathetic, holier-than-thou hypocrites like this guy that give me hope that the religious right will fall swiftly and hard.
At least he’s “cured.” Hopefully he’ll move to Missouri-I’ll keep my fingers crossed.