We have safely returned to Florida. The trip was…just what I hoped it could be. It was restorative and relaxing. We saw Savannah GA, a bunch of waterfalls and a trout farm, just to name a few of our awesome adventures. Seeing Ryan and Maddux was the best part of coming back and all the rest…well, it is what it is. Coming back from vacation always sucks.
Today Joe, Carrie and I leave for the mountains of North Carolina…I’ve never been and I can’t wait.
Ryan will be cat-sitting and playing four shows of “Hello, Dolly!” this weekend (including a Senior Matinee)…I’m pretty sure he got the short end of the stick.
We’ll be back Sunday with stories of cold weather, campfires, and white squirrels (They reportedly have White Squirrels in NC. I’m planning on trying to catch at least one.)
My future pet. If it bites me, I’ll kill it.
Now that our lives have been enhanced by the power of DVR, I can watch Dr. Phil at my convenience, and never miss an episode. EVER. Like yesterday’s episode that was all about women who called themselves Bitches. They really were bitches too, but Dr. P, being the sage that he is, was able to make almost all of them cry by asking them who was mean to them when they were younger. BINGO! Here come the waterworks. They were bullied and/or fat in high school, so now they’re bitches as a coping mechanism. I had already gussed that!
I really think I should have an honorary Ph.D in psychology, I have soaked up so much knowledge from Dr. P. My hillbilly midwestern sensibilities also find him charming in the same way I find our president charming at times (I know, I know, he’s evil. But wouldn’t you have a beer with the guy? If he wasn’t ruining America and just worked at the gas station down the street?) I enjoy Dr. P’s down-hominess. I have quoted him when advising other people. I give Ryan the episode recap as often as I can. His recent episodes have included:
1000lb. Man
Compulsive Liars Come Clean
Beauty Pageant Moms
Moochers!
Dr. Phil’s LoveSmart Cruise (2 part episode)
If you’ve never watched the show and just hate him arbitrarily, I implore you to watch one show. Just one. Maybe it will be about over-competitive twins. Maybe it will be about runaway teens. Whatever it’s about, you will be a better person after you watch it. And you might pick up a new catch-phrase, like, “Do I Look Blind to You?” or “You’re Dealin’ With Me Now. It’s Time to Get Real.”
“Watch My Show, Suckas!”
So, I was going to write this whole post about how much I dislike the Olympics, but I just don’t have the energy. Instead, I will let this picture of me in Olympic gear at Target say it for me.
Please don’t leave any comments about how great the Olympics are. They are not great. They are boring. Competition in general is for stupid people with small penises.
Yeah, I said it.
Found my bank card today-in laundry basket. Exactly where I COULDN’T find it earlier this week, when the horseshoe got flipped the alleged “right” way.
Cat diarrhea has ceased.
Neck feels better-regained full range of motion this morning.
Tomorrow: win lottery.
can’t I ever spell “diarrhea” correctly the first time?
And why do I use it so much that I realize I never spell it correctly?
So a few months ago when my in-laws were visiting, my father-in-law told me that the lucky horseshoe that has been hanging in every apartment I have ever lived in was hanging upside down. The supposedly unlucky way. This really didn’t bother me too much, because I really have never considered myself lucky or unlucky, just average luck, I guess. But being me, I started to think about it. What if some insane streak of good luck was just a horseshoe’s turn away? Why had I been living with all this average luck? I could be special!!
I finally flipped it last week.
I have had nothing but straight-up BAD luck since. Lost my bank card. Pinched a neck nerve. Cat’s diahrrhea returned. With a vengeance.
So we re-flipped it. I think maybe it was just luck-acclimated to hanging that way.
Or maybe I just have upside down luck.
That’s okay, too.
This morning I woke up, opened my eyes, tried to roll over an dexperienced blinding pain in my neck. Apparently I slept some horribly wrong way and and experienced the biggest, foulest neck cramp of my life. Since the pain came mid-roll, I got stuck face down on my pillow, and couldn’t move. Ryan woke up (no suprise since I was yelling “Aack! Augghh! My Neck!!) and we both immediately started…laughing hysterically.
Have you ever had pain so bad that it just makes you laugh uncontrollably? This was that kind of pain. So there we are, laughing like maniacs, only pausing for me to say stuff like “OW!” and “Motherfucker!” while Ryan tried to massage my neck. I finally got turned over and Ryan brought me some Advil. I slept for another hour or so, but the pain was still in effect when I woke up. Basically, I can’t turn my head left or lean it back and I have massive knot between my shoulder and my neck.
Good morning!
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